Crap!

This whole arranged marriage thing is starting to scare the living daylights out of me. :-|

My parents seem to be merrily digging up girls all over the place. I'm being asked to call girls and hang out with girls more often than I ever thought I'd be. Today morning, I was told about a certain girl someone had spoken to my mom about... And then today evening, I was on the phone with her dad. 

This is scaring the bejesus out of me! I don't know what to do or how to behave in such situations!

Good grief, this is NOT the way it's supposed to happen! This is not what's supposed to happen with me! I'm supposed to meet a girl, be attracted to her, woo her, hang out with her, tell her I like her, have her tell me she likes me, get into a relationship with her, fall in love with her, get down on one knew and propose to her, and THEN marry her. 

I am NOT supposed to start the journey towards marrying a girl by talking to her father! No!!!

Sigh. No fair. Where is the line of girls maaroing lines on me that I was promised all through my education? :-| 

More and more often nowadays, I'm starting to feel I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting the ex walk away. 

 

Fun Friday... Not.

So here I am, spending another Friday evening at home. Or rather, I spent most of the evening at work, and now I'm spending Friday night at home. 

I was at work till about 9.45 today. I could've left earlier; I could've worked more efficiently and with more enthusiasm, but I simply didn't have the motivation too. It's not like I had anywhere to go, or anyone to meet. 

Being single is really starting to get to me. I have no enthusiasm for going out and meeting friends. And seeing the ex leave work, and knowing that she's probably going to be sleeping with her boyfriend later tonight (they might be in bed together right now, in fact) doesn't help. 

I don't see any point in meeting up with friends in my free time when it doesn't help me meet new people (that is, girls). Which is why I've become quite the recluse in life lately. Hanging out with the b-school gang is alright, they're a nice bunch of people, but it's not a huge amount of fun either. Quant God is busy with the preparations for his marriage, and I hardly meet him nowadays. That doesn't leave anyone else. 

Oh, and my parents are starting to get into the act with the whole Arranged Marriage thing. They're telling me about eligible girls that they're hearing about from other people, and they're even trying to figure out the scene with matrimonial websites. Needless to say, this isn't doing very much for my state of mind in life. 

I don't want to have an arranged marriage. The thought scares me. I don't want to marry a girl if both of us don't really really like each other. 

I often wonder nowadays, did I make the biggest mistake of my life by letting the ex get away from me? I could've tried to hold her back, I might even have succeeded... But I was afraid, I didn't see myself marrying her, marrying into her hardcore Christian family. So I let her walk away. 

And now here I am, two years later, still alone, desperately lonely. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror very much nowadays, because I always look unhappy. My eyes are twin pools of sorrow, and I wonder how my unhappiness isn't obvious to everyone around me. But then, clearly most people are much less empathetic than I am. 

Whatever will happen to me? What if I end up in a loveless marriage, where I'll forever regret having let go of the one time in my life when I had the chance to be with someone I really wanted to be with, and who wanted to be with me too?

Sigh. :-|