Where do I start? Well, I suppose the beginning is as good a place to begin as any other...
The first time I had a proper crush on a girl happened back in class 7 or 8. There was this girl whom I thought was awfully cute; she was this petite little thing, soft-spoken and demure, and I developed quite a thing for her. There's one thing I particularly remember about her... Back then, this TV series called Due South had just started being shown on Star World. One of the central characters on the show was a Canadian Mountie (a policeman in the Royal Canadian Mounted Force), who was delightfully old-fashioned in all the best ways - he was unfailingly polite, brave in a completely unassuming way, and inherently chivalrous. I was hugely impressed by him; and tried to take after him in whatever ways I could. One of his oft-repeated phrases was 'Thank you kindly', which he used to use in place of a regular 'Thanks'. So I started saying this too, whenever I wanted to thank someone. There was one time at school when I said 'Thank you kindly' to this girl, and then she very earnestly said 'You're welcome kindly' back to me. She most probably had no idea why on earth I was saying that, but she still tried to reply in kind, and I found that terribly cute... :-)
I was never able to muster up the courage to tell her that I liked her, though, and I was moved to a different section the next year, after which I saw much less of her at school. It was just a crush, though, so it passed fairly quickly.
The next time I really liked a girl happened in class 11. Our sections were shaken up again at the start of the year, as per the streams we had chosen, and I ended up in the Commerce section, as did this girl. In just a few months, I managed to develop a fairly serious crush on her. I did ask this one out soon after, but in a rather ham-fisted way. Of course, that crashed and burnt, and I spent the next two years wistfully thinking about her every time I felt lonely in life.
A side note, here: I think class 11 was when I first understood what loneliness really meant. I'd never been in a relationship with a girl, and I'm not sure I even knew what it was like to be in one, but somehow, I was convinced that I needed to be in one. I had this terribly strong need for companionship; and an awfully strong tendency to feel lonely.
Gosh, this is getting awfully long-winded, isn't it? Alright, let me try and go over the rest of the story in brief.
There was this other girl who'd joined my school in class 11; whom I guess I could call a friend of mine by the time we finished school. I didn't think we'd stay in touch afterward, but somehow, not only did we end up doing that, but we also ended up becoming rather good friends.
In the second year of college, there was one time when we ended up making out. After it happened for the second time, I felt rather guilty about it; it felt wrong to be making out with a girl (and a good friend, at that), without us officially seeing each other. So I 'asked her out', as the phrase goes, and we were suddenly in a relationship.
It was nice while it lasted, but then we both got into our respective bschools, and then things got really hard. We were fighting a lot, and one day, in the middle of a particularly bad one, she said, "Maybe we should just break up." And I replied, "Yes, maybe we should."
So that was that, then. I like to think that it was a mutual breakup, but I rather think I hurt the girl, which is something I regret till this day.
Then in the first year of bschool, I started talking to this girl in the senior batch. She was smart, empathetic, expressive, and had a great sense of humour. She was very well-read, had a blog on which she wrote really well, and was kinda cute, too. We starting hanging out a lot, and before I knew it, I was in a state where I liked her.
We ended up having this conversation where I told her I liked her, and she told me she liked me too. Till this day, I think that was one of the nicest things I've ever heard... *wry smile* In all honesty, this was the first time I'd really liked someone who liked me back, so it was pretty awesome for me... So we were officially seeing each other, then.
...And then she broke up with me, precisely 19 days later. Why? There was this ex of hers, someone she'd referred to a number of times. I knew deep down that she wasn't over him, but did that stop me from pursuing her? No, the lovestruck male is a particularly dumb creature. So she said that wasn't ready for another relationship, and that was the end of that.
Or so I thought.
After a few weeks of awkwardness and not talking very much, we slowly starting talking and hanging out again... Her final placements were drawing near, and I was quite a support for her, even though I say so myself. I was there for her at a time when not too many other people were, and I did help her deal with the stress she was going through.
On the night the placements ended, I drove her and some of her friends back to her PG. She stayed back in the car after they went inside, and we sat there and talked for about half an hour. I hadn't slept much in the past four days, and I was awfully tired; even holding my head up seemed hard. And she was smiling this heart-breakingly pretty smile at me. After a point, I couldn't take it anymore; so I leaned across and kissed her.
She responded slowly at first, and then passionately; clearly, she had been waiting for me to make that move. We kissed for what seemed like forever, and I was lost in her. Even today, that's the best kiss I've ever had.
Over the next few days, things were awkward between us again. Then we went for a music concert, and she came back to my place at night, and we ended up making out again. After that, we were pretty much back together.
The next few months passed in one happy blur, even though our semester-end exams happened towards the end of that time. Then on the day the exams got over, she told me she didn't see a future for us, and broke up with me again.
This time, it was for good; and after two months, she was back with her ex. They eventually married each other, a year later. And that was really the end of that.
I spent the next year and half hurting, in the process of getting over her. I discovered that I was rather awful at breakups, and that it takes me forever to get over someone.
The second year of my MBA passed, and I ended up coming to Bombay to to work here. I was still unhappy and lonely, and convinced I would never find anyone like her again.
Then after a few months, I noticed this pretty girl at my office. Initially, I just thought she was cute, and left it at that. But I soon became more interested in her. Out of sheer serendipity, we ended up getting more than once chance to interact, and I soon developed a solid crush on her.
I wooed her with enthusiasm, and it so happened that I found out after a few months that she liked me too. We spent some time together, but then had to stop, because she was Christian, and we didn't think anything could have worked out between us. She had this good friend, a Christian boy, who was based in the US, but who was coming to India for a month, and they had apparently decided to give a relationship a shot, so she and I stopped talking and hanging out when he arrived in India.
I spent the next two months being miserable again. But we couldn't stay away from each other, and she soon broke up with him, though for reasons other than the equation she and I had - or so she said, which I like to believe.
Of course, we started going out with each other again. And we lasted six months, which was the longest I've ever been in a relationship. It was awesome, while it lasted, and I was happy.
And then she broke up with me.
Six weeks later, she started hanging out with this other guy from my office, who had been pursuing her. Two months later, they were officially seeing each other. Today, a year and a half later, they're still seeing each other.
I'm unhappy, and terribly lonely, and I hate being single and alone. I have to see the ex at work every day, and it's like salt in my wounds, a painful reminder of the fact that I'm alone and unhappy.
I've been single for a year and eight months now, but I've met very few new girls in that time, none of whom anything happened with.
So that's the story, so far.
